Curmudgeon's Ideal Pub

George Orwell once wrote an article about the perfect pub, entitled "The Moon Under Water" - the point being, of course, that it didn't exist. Despite Wetherspoon's having appropriated the name, it still doesn't.

What follows is a list of the features I would like to see in my ideal pub - many of which have been mentioned in various "Opening Times" columns over the years. Unfortunately, though, I suspect you'd find you did all these worthy things and no bugger would turn up!

Wetherspoon's have often been accused of creating soulless pubs by going through the items on a checklist, but it's interesting to tick off all the things on my list you wouldn't find in your average Wetherspoon's - a pub cat, for a start.

Beer Range

  • A range of cask beers available
  • At least one rotating guest beer
  • Beer range not weighted towards high gravity beers
  • Mild always available
  • Just as a suggestion: Bateman's Dark Mild, Whim Hartington Best Bitter and Taylor's Landlord as regular beers, and two guests, one sub 4%, one premium strength
  • No nitrokeg or keg ales of any description (I'd tolerate Dublin-brewed Draught Guinness)
  • All lagers are genuine high-quality imports
  • A good choice of British and imported bottled beers
  • Traditional cider available
  • Nothing whatsoever on sale produced by Bass, Scottish Courage, Whitbread or Carlsberg-Tetley

Beer Dispense

  • Lined oversize glasses used
  • In-line coolers keep real ale dispense temperature at 12-13 ºC
  • Metered dispense using diaphragm pumps would be nice (although I've nothing against handpumps in conjunction with lined glasses)
  • No bottles handed across the bar
  • No swan neck dispense
  • Number of beers sold not too large to turn over properly through the week
  • Temperature controlled cellar

Surroundings and Ambiance

  • Bar counters within rooms rather than in a lobby
  • Secluded garden well away from the road
  • Bowling green (if there's room)
  • Adequate car parking
  • Cloth, not leatherette seats
  • Extensive fixed bench-type seating
  • Interior well broken up into distinct areas - no large open spaces
  • Real fires in winter - but not heated to tropical levels
  • Separate room for private meetings
  • Separate vault
  • Lots of wood panelling
  • At least one grandfather clock - which you can hear ticking when it's quiet
  • No barstools
  • Standing at the bar discouraged
  • No high level posing tables
  • No raised seating areas
  • No areas reserved for diners
  • No music in the lounge
  • A good rock jukebox in the vault
  • No television in the lounge
  • A television in the vault which is only used for major sporting events
  • Provision made for both smokers and non-smokers that matches the demand
  • Mobile phone users required to step outside when making or receiving a call
  • Characterful pub cat
  • Short skirts on barmaids (but not so much as to put you off your beer)
  • Plenty of sheep-related artefacts on display

Customer Service

  • Open all day Friday-Sunday (although may close 3-5 Mon-Thu if little trade)
  • Opens promptly at 11 am in the morning
  • Opening hours displayed outside
  • Price list clearly displayed
  • Reasonable prices (but I would put high-quality surroundings before dirt-cheap beer)
  • Imaginative menu that includes a good selection of snacks as well as main meals
  • Ground floor toilets with level access for everyone
  • Children not admitted to the main rooms of the pub (although there may be a separate family room)
  • Daily newspapers provided for customers
  • A well chosen range of malt whiskies
  • Normal sized bags of crisps served (not just those massive "Grab-bags")

(March 2000)

Return to Home Page