The fearless and forthright "Curmudgeon" column in "Opening Times" is well known, but the identity of the author remains a mystery. In a unique exclusive, we have persuaded him to answer our questionnaire, in an attempt to gain an insight into this remarkable man. Did we succeed? Judge for yourself......

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A gallon of Hartington Best Bitter, a quart of Old Tom, a gill of Macallan, a good curry, a sound sleep, and the next morning no hangover, a satisfying bowel movement and unexpectedly finding that Brittany Spears in my bed.

What is your greatest fear?
Time being called before I can get served.

With which person in history do you most identify?
Branwell Brontė - a tortured, drunken genius, much like myself.

And which do you most despise?
Adolf Hitler - not only an evil dictator, but a teetotaller and a vegetarian as well.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Political correctness.

And which do you most deplore in yourself?
Reluctance to speak my mind.

What vehicles do you own?
Morris Marina 1.3 - an underrated British classic.

What objects do you always carry with you?
Money - you can't get served without it.

What makes you depressed?
The sight of a closed and boarded pub.

What is your favourite journey?
From the pub door to the bar.

How will you vote in the next General Election?
Conservative, of course. Stupid question.

Should the Royal Family be scrapped?
Certainly not. Prince Philip is one of the great curmudgeons of our time, and the Prince of Wales has some very sound views on architecture.

Do you support the death penalty?
Absolutely. And I've got a long list of people who should be stood up against a wall and shot, starting with the man who invented the breathalyser.

Do you believe in monogamy?
Chance would be a fine thing.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Well, I did come across this very fetching barmaid in some pub the other night, but unfortunately I can't remember which one....

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Could it even be "could it even be"?

How do you relax?
Drinking. Another stupid question.

How often do you have sex?
Depends how you define it. Does it need to involve others? And, if so, do they have to be people?

What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?
More hops in my beer.

What keeps you awake at night?
Getting up for a piss.

How would you like to die?
Having just drunk the perfect pint. At least eight times.

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who had the courage to tell the truth, however unpalatable.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Two gallons of beer makes you feel like death the next day. However, I feel that this is a proposition whose validity must be regularly tested.

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