The fearless and forthright "Curmudgeon" column in "Opening Times" is well known, but the identity of the author remains a mystery. In a unique exclusive, we have persuaded him to answer our questionnaire, in an attempt to gain an insight into this remarkable man. Did we succeed? Judge for yourself......
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A gallon of Hartington Best Bitter, a quart of Old Tom, a gill of Macallan, a good curry, a sound sleep, and the next morning no hangover, a satisfying bowel movement and unexpectedly finding that Brittany Spears in my bed.
What is your greatest fear?
With which person in history do you most identify?
And which do you most despise?
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
And which do you most deplore in yourself?
What vehicles do you own?
What objects do you always carry with you?
What makes you depressed?
What is your favourite journey?
How will you vote in the next General Election?
Should the Royal Family be scrapped?
Do you support the death penalty?
Do you believe in monogamy?
Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
How do you relax?
How often do you have sex?
What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?
What keeps you awake at night?
How would you like to die?
How would you like to be remembered?
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
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